Gregg: Yeah I’m pretty sure thanks to gerrymandering there’s no chance the R will lose.
Me: The R will win.
Gregg: Yeah, 100%. It’s a certainty.
Me: The ONLY thing that would guarantee a more landslide win for R in my town was if the D candidate was a proven illegal who killed a nun in a DUI accident and got caught fingerbanging her corpse by a crowd of third graders on their way to sunday school.
Gregg: I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
Me: Everyone makes fun of them, so why not buy one [of these]? Wear it to Clyde’s & shit on yuppie night.
Gregg: Oh man those wolf shirts.
Me: Yeah. It’s ten bucks; why not?
Gregg: My favorite comment so far (besides Tuscan Whole Milk refs) is: “I have this same tattoo on my chest so this shirt really helps in cold weather.”
Gregg: I am sure before long wearing one will be hipster-ironic.
Me: Fuck. Another grand scheme scuttled in the development phase.
Me: Tonight is Murder Night.
Gregg: um OK
Me: Intended victim: Invasive mulberry bush.
Me: I’ve already cut the motherfucker down twice.
Gregg: BURN IT
Me: I need to at least appear to attempt to save the one next to it (which it appears to be strangling).
Gregg: BURN IT ANYWAY, AND HOLD A TEARY PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE AND YOUR TOTAL COMMITMENT TO MINIMIZE CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.
Gregg: Then blame a mid-level officer and get on with life.
Me: Erin found some baby clothes that said something on the front in PHP.
Me: Like: <?php “baby();”> or something like that.
Me: So that made me think: “Python onesie”.
Gregg: Isn’t that a singleton?
Me: I don’t know what a “singleton” is… at least how it relates to programming.
Gregg: A class that only exists to return a single object.
Me: Then, yes, it would be.
Gregg: Technically, I guess it should test if other instances exist and either kill them or refuse to create.
Gregg: But it’s a fucking baby thing, there’s not enough space on the child’s front for real design patterns.
Gregg: Looking over those last few lines, I now know why I never get invited to parties.
Me: You wouldn’t want to imply that the baby kills other instances of Baby which subclass Human.
Me: Not yet, anyway.
Me: You could always subclass differently to imply it.
Gregg: DIVIDE BY ZERO
Gregg: PERL6 WILL ALLOW DIVISION BY 0
Gregg: THAT’S WHY IT’S TAKING SO LONG
Me: Instead of throwing an error, it will return a unicorn.
Gregg: (to me) While we disagree on elements of the One True Language (i.e., Perl, Python, or PHP), I think we are totally united in saying: “HAHAHA, Twitter was down for 3 hours during the [Apple] keynote. Eat a dick Ruby on Rails fags!”
(here’s what he was talking about)
On the topic of bowling:
Gregg: Now if you’re all, “Let’s go bowling and get arrested,” I can offer a number of strategies to facilitate this.
Me: I don’t want my first arrest to be for drunk and disorderly at a fuckin’ bowling alley.
Me: I want it to be fucking epic.
Gregg: Like fucking a mime to death?
Me: Only if the mime is a retarded nun.
Me: Ooh… Neko Case released a live album.
Me: Now all the hot hipsters will have something to spooge over.
Gregg: I don’t know who that is.
Me: Neither do I.
Me: Hip people love him/her.
Me: Hip people who rank The Decemberists albums at the top of their yearly lists – every year.
Gregg: Oh, the ones I want to kill?
Gregg: I thought the bulk [of Hispanic immigrants] around NoVA was Salvadoran (hence the MS-13 hysteria).
Me: (shrugging) I suppose.
Me: But you don’t hear about MH-13 from Honduras because it doesn’t exist, and is therefore useless in the main stream media / Bush Administration plot to scare the living shit out of white America.
Gregg: I’m keeping my eye on you for the good of the country. You might try that reconquista shit at any moment.
Me: Good tack.
Me: You never know when I’m gonna’ snap and start channeling the Pancho Villa action.
Gregg: One minute you’re watching hockey, and the next thing you know, boom.
Me: Beans everywhere.
Minor liberties were taken with the actual iChat transcript for presentation purposes.