Overheard in iChat: Part 9 (District 10)

Gregg: Yeah I’m pretty sure thanks to gerrymandering there’s no chance the R will lose.

Me: The R will win.

Gregg: Yeah, 100%. It’s a certainty.

Me: The ONLY thing that would guarantee a more landslide win for R in my town was if the D candidate was a proven illegal who killed a nun in a DUI accident and got caught fingerbanging her corpse by a crowd of third graders on their way to sunday school.

Gregg: I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

Overheard in iChat: Part Ocho

Me: Everyone makes fun of them, so why not buy one [of these]? Wear it to Clyde’s & shit on yuppie night.

Gregg: Oh man those wolf shirts.

Me: Yeah. It’s ten bucks; why not?

Gregg: My favorite comment so far (besides Tuscan Whole Milk refs) is: “I have this same tattoo on my chest so this shirt really helps in cold weather.”

Me: Haha.

Gregg: I am sure before long wearing one will be hipster-ironic.

Me: Fuck. Another grand scheme scuttled in the development phase.

Gregg: Yeah.

Overheard in iChat: Part 7

Me: Tonight is Murder Night.

Gregg: um OK

Me: Intended victim: Invasive mulberry bush.

Me: I’ve already cut the motherfucker down twice.

Gregg: BURN IT

Me: I need to at least appear to attempt to save the one next to it (which it appears to be strangling).

Gregg: BURN IT ANYWAY, AND HOLD A TEARY PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE AND YOUR TOTAL COMMITMENT TO MINIMIZE CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.

Gregg: Then blame a mid-level officer and get on with life.

Overheard in iChat: Part 6

Me: Erin found some baby clothes that said something on the front in PHP.

Me: Like: <?php “baby();”> or something like that.

Me: So that made me think: “Python onesie”.

class Baby(Human):
   def __init__(self):
       return self

Gregg: Isn’t that a singleton?

Me: I don’t know what a “singleton” is… at least how it relates to programming.

Gregg: A class that only exists to return a single object.

Me: Then, yes, it would be.

Gregg: Technically, I guess it should test if other instances exist and either kill them or refuse to create.

Gregg: But it’s a fucking baby thing, there’s not enough space on the child’s front for real design patterns.

Gregg: Looking over those last few lines, I now know why I never get invited to parties.

Me: You wouldn’t want to imply that the baby kills other instances of Baby which subclass Human.

Me: Not yet, anyway.

Me: You could always subclass differently to imply it.

class Baby(Cthulu):
    RECURSION

Overheard in iChat: Part 3

On the topic of bowling:

Gregg: Now if you’re all, “Let’s go bowling and get arrested,” I can offer a number of strategies to facilitate this.

Me: I don’t want my first arrest to be for drunk and disorderly at a fuckin’ bowling alley.

Me: I want it to be fucking epic.

Gregg: Like fucking a mime to death?

Me: Only if the mime is a retarded nun.

Overheard in iChat: Part 2

Me: Ooh… Neko Case released a live album.

Me: Now all the hot hipsters will have something to spooge over.

Gregg: I don’t know who that is.

Me: Neither do I.

Me: Hip people love him/her.

Me: Hip people who rank The Decemberists albums at the top of their yearly lists – every year.

Gregg: Oh, the ones I want to kill?

Me: Precisely.

Overheard in iChat

Gregg: I thought the bulk [of Hispanic immigrants] around NoVA was Salvadoran (hence the MS-13 hysteria).

Me: (shrugging) I suppose.

Me: But you don’t hear about MH-13 from Honduras because it doesn’t exist, and is therefore useless in the main stream media / Bush Administration plot to scare the living shit out of white America.

Gregg: I’m keeping my eye on you for the good of the country. You might try that reconquista shit at any moment.

Me: Good tack.

Me: You never know when I’m gonna’ snap and start channeling the Pancho Villa action.

Gregg: One minute you’re watching hockey, and the next thing you know, boom.

Me: Beans everywhere.

Minor liberties were taken with the actual iChat transcript for presentation purposes.