Scoring Attempted Derision

cf. Stuff White People Like

Granted, I’m only 1/2 white, but I’m probably the whitest half-breed Mexican you’ll ever meet… unless you join a bowling league with my brother after he moves to Alabama.

Anyway, the above-linked website (written by a white chick) tries to be “scientific” in her snarky, holier-than-whites commentary about things that white people purportedly like.

At this point she’s listed 66 things, with 2 entries inaccessible and/or lost forever due to an ill-fated foray into dedicated hosting. This particular white person does not like other white people who are ignorant of the intricacies of running a web server attempting to do so.

Let’s see how her superior judgment stacks up:

#1 Coffee – Nope, I hate coffee; 0 points
#2 Religions that their parents don’t belong to – If you qualify atheism as a religion, then you’re already fucked; 0 points on a technicality
#3 Film Festivals – Never been, no desire to go; 0 points
#4 Assists – Guilty; it’s all about teamwork; 1 point
#5 Farmers Markets – Only hippies; 0 points
#6 Organic Food – 1/2 point; we buy this sometimes
#7 Diversity – 1 point
#8 Barack Obama – 1 point
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside – Ha! Are you kidding me? 0 points
#10 Wes Anderson movies – No fucking way; 0 points
#11 Asian Girls – I dated a Vietnamese chick once; she was batshit crazy; 0 points
#12 Non-Profit Organizations – Huh? WTF? 0 points
#13 Tea – Nope; 0 points
#14 Having Black Friends – non-applicable; I have only 1; 0 points
#15 Yoga – Nope; 0 points
#16 “Gifted” Children – 1 point to avoid hypocrisy
#17 Hating their parents – Nope; 0 points
#18 Awareness – Take your cause and shove it up your ass; 0 points
#19 Traveling – 1 point, even though she misspelled it as “travelling”
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture – I care about your shit? Not likely; 0 points
#21 Writer’s Workshops – Get a hobby, whitey! I suggest you brush up on proper apostrophe usage; 0 points
#22 Having Two Last Names – Not even close; 0 points
#23 Microbreweries – 1 point; it’s beer!
#24 Wine – 1 point; wine is gooood
#25 David Sedaris – No fuckin’ way; overrated and not funny; 0 points
#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!) – Never been; 0 points on a technicality
#27 Marathons – Sheeeeeit; 0 points
#28 Not Having a TV – I’d be killing motherfuckers; 0 points
#29 80s Night – 1 point; guilty as charged
#30 Wrigley Field – Never been; 0 points on a technicality
#31 Snowboarding – No way; 0 points
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism – Fuck that, gimme’ a steak; 0 points
#33 Marijuana – Illegal; could jeopardize my employment; 0 points
#34 Architecture – 1 point
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report – 1 point
#36 Breakfast Places – I don’t like getting up in time for breakfast; 0 points
#37 Renovations – Sounds like work; 0 points
#38 Arrested Development – Never watched the show; 0 points
#39 Netflix – 1 point
#40 Apple Products – 1 point
#41 Indie Music – Note this usage does not encompass all bands on “independent” labels, it refers to douchebags; 0 points
#42 Sushi – 1/2 point; only that with tuna
#43 Plays – 1/2 point; I’ve seen “Rent” and “Phantom of the Opera”
#44 Public Radio – Ugh; 0 points
#45 Asian Fusion Food – Trendy and disgusting; 0 points
#46 The Sunday New York Times – 0 points
#47 Arts Degrees – Try to use your brain, huh? 0 points
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops – Only hippies; 0 points
#49 Vintage – 1/2 point only b/c I don’t shop often, and my regular stuff may qualify as “vintage”
#50 Irony – 1 point
#51 Living by the water – Erin would love this; 1/2 point
#52 Sarah Silverman – 1/2 point b/c I think she’s hittable
#53 Dogs – 1 point
#54 Kitchen Gadgets – 1/2 point
#55 Apologies – 0 points, now go fuck yourself
#56 Lawyers – Gotta’ be careful on this one… 1/2 point
#57 Juno – 1 point
#58 Japan – I did take Japanese in college; 1/2 point
#59 Natural Medicine – Get your patchouli-stinkin’ hands offa’ me; 0 points
#60 Toyota Prius – I don’t judge the smugness of others, but I won’t own one; 0 points
#61 Bicycles – Maybe in the future after I quit smoking; for now: 0 points
#62 Knowing what’s best for poor people – Fuck poor people; 0 points
#63 Expensive Sandwiches – I go to the deli; 0 points
#64 ???
#65 ???
#66 Recycling – I submit only under pressure; 1/2 point
#67 Co-Ed Sports – We had a softball team at work once; we sucked; I hate sucking; 0 points
#68 Divorce – Why bother getting married? 0 points

The final score is 20 points out of a possible 66, or 30% accuracy.

Perhaps the ultimate post on this blog should be titled: “White Broad Making Broad Generalizations about her Own Ethnicity to Fulfill some Sense of Inadequacy Rooted in her being Non-Ethnic”.

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