Four Reasons why the Bolts Ultimately Sucked Ass Tonight

The Washington Capitals beat the Tampa Bay Lightning by a score of 5-2 tonight.

Here’s what happened:

1. The Lightning were dominant for the overwhelming majority of the game.
At times, they looked like the goddamned Keystone Kops, but they spent a hell of a lot more time in the attacking zone than on defense. But they just couldn’t get shit done.

2. Olie Kolzig saved 48 out of 50.
This proved to be the game-winning element for the Caps. I mean… c’mon… your goaltender makes 48 saves in a single game and you don’t win?

3. The Bolts went jackshit-for-seven on the powerplay.
This proved to be the 2nd most important game-winning element for the Caps. Normally… when the Caps are sucking taint on the powerplay, I’m yelling, “COME ON GUYS, THIS ISN’T A TAMPA BAY FLOWERPLAY!”… and this is exactly why.

4. The Caps played sporadically, but scored when it counted.
This proves that the Caps got lucky on some crazy Lightning fuck-ups. “Lightning fuck-ups” are the operative words here. Aside from Kolzig’s outplaying [name your favorite Lightning goalie], the Bolts just weren’t clearing the crease or kicking any ass like the Caps were tonight.

As a Caps fan, I’m thrilled they got out of their slump. Semin’s goal was phenomenal… better than anything Ovechkin did on the ice tonight, IMHO.

As a Lightning fan, I’m ashamed for my brethren.