California Education

All last-minute style, I caught a flight from Dulles, rented a car and booked a room in California for my grandmother’s funeral tomorrow. (Note: I assume that if you’re reading this, then you extend your condolences. Thank you.) On to the helpful hints.

1. Remember, you can take your beer from the Sam Adams spot into the smoking lounge near gate D30 at Dulles. No need to swig crazy if you need a butt.

2a. The fucking Skymall catalog “stored in the seat pocket in front of you” will consume, perhaps, 20 minutes of your time. Useless piece of shit. How many mylar blimps do you really need?

2b. Do not forget the Family Guy DVDs that you planned to watch during the flight. A laptop with DVD player will be insulted if you under-utilize its capabilities.

2c. If you’re an idiot and forget the DVDs, do not board a 5-6 hour flight without a thick book, or two new magazines… even if you have an iPod or a borrowed PowerBook. Their batteries are no match for the tedium.

3a. The Dollar rental $9-per-day upgrade from a Stratus to a 300 is so totally worth it if you’re only going to be in town 2 days.

3b. The hour-long drive from Sacramento to Modesto is oddly calming, yet is also oddly odiferous.

4a. You will pay out your ass for Internet access and Diet Pepsi at the Doubletree in Modesto. What? It’s as if they don’t have Diet Coke in California. Fuckers. Ocean City spoiled me with her promise of 40-cent, ice-cold cans of love.

4b. Even though they’re visible on the Google maps or whatever, the railroad tracks directly across the street from the Doubletree are used constantly. Get a room on a higher floor where the horns are less audible.

More later, I guess. I haven’t been up this late in a long time.


One thought on “California Education

  1. Coke is an east-of-the-Mississippi thing. Although it’s #1 due to stronger overall market penetration (McDonalds, etc) the farther you get from the South the less likely you are to find a vending machine with Coke.

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