Here are but a few of the benefits we smokers offer society and its non-smoking members that often go unnoticed and under-appreciated.
Free (and somewhat accurate) Weather Forecaster/Observer
We’re the ones heading outside every hour or so for a cigarette, therefore we are more intimately connected to Mother Nature and familiar with her foibles. Among the myriad questions we can readily answer:
Is it raining/snowing?
Is it raining/snowing yet?
Is it still raining/snowing?
Does it look like it will rain/snow?
How hard is the rain/snow coming down?
How cold/hot is it outside?
Do I need a jacket?
Are frogs falling from the sky?
Are we being invaded by spaceship-borne aliens?
Up-to-the-Minute Weather Alert System
We will be the first person on the scene to tell you immediately when it begins to rain torrentially… and you’ve left your car windows/sunroof open. And, yes, we will thoroughly enjoy your spastic attempts to seal your ride against the elements while simultaneously being drenched.
Automatic Potty Bitch
Pretend not to notice poor Fifi dancing at the back door, bladder about to explode in a shower of warm “potty”. Just wait another fifteen minutes. We will get up to go outside for a cigarette eventually, at which time you can foist upon us your responsibilities surrounding the dog’s evacuation-related duties (pun!). No, seriously, it’s cool; we will never have a valid excuse not to go corral the still-warm “potty” squeezed out of your cute, little turd machine… we were going outside anyway. Just please don’t forget to tell us where those little baggies are stored.
Targets of Stupid Questions
As we are outside often, we willingly bear the brunt of weather-related idiocy so others in our society won’t have to. We actually expect you to ask us, “Is it hot enough for ya’?” or its sister, “Is it cold enough for ya’?”. We’re a captive audience, just do it and get it over with.
Targets of Useless Anecdotes (probably lies)
Similarly, we are empty vessels simply waiting to be filled with your macho tales of extreme temperature and/or precipitation endurance. “This cold/heat ain’t shit. I’m from Siberia/Ecuador; you don’t know nothin’ about cold/hot.” Or… “This foot of snow ain’t shit. I used to live in [lake-effect snow affected area of choice], this shit’s a walk in the park compared to snow we get [there].” Spare the rest of humanity your hackneyed big-dick weather stories, and tell them to us. We really have nowhere else to go until we’re finished with that cigarette; again, we are your conversational captives.
More Oxygen for You
You know this one; it’s a trite and snide response that every non-smoker has uttered while shrugging at least once in their life. “You smoke, fine… that’s just more oxygen for me.” While you are an intolerable ass, you’re also right to a certain extent. Given our diminished lung capacity and tar-clogged alveoli, our bodies consume less oxygen per breath than yours. Revel in the oxygen-rich environment surrounding our immediate vicinity; but you’ll have to fight through the cloud of smoke to get hyperbaric, bitches.
More O2; it’s our gift to you. See? We’re givers. That’s what we do.
Other than providing that lovely, constant stream of self-righteous bullshit… what do you do for us?
Image attribution: User bcalhoon at morguefile