It took one conversation with Gregg to take it all to heart. I’d realized it before, but was in denial. So here it is:
In every serious relationship in my life, I’ve been more concerned about my situation in said relationship, all the while forsaking the well-being of the relationship itself.
Sure, I did my best (a relative term) every time to try to keep things on an even keel… to satisfy the other person… to remain happy… or to find some acceptable middle-ground. But, it was always about the other person’s demands upon me, or… y’know… just me.
So, I’ve unwittingly(?) sabotaged every past relationship because I was being defensive to protect myself (for what stupid, perceived reason?), a control-freak that requires either positive or negative feedback without the ability to discern the feelings/emotions of “her” on my own, or whatever bullshit rationalization I could contrive out of convenience… for my ultimate benefit.
While I must state, for the record, “we’re better friends than we are lovers” rings true for a lot of the lovely women I’ve been lucky enough to spend time with, I now think (magically) that I have the ability to care more about the union of the relationship more than I do about my singular position in it.
We’ll see what happens. But, damnit, it’s all so clear now.