Recently Read Book

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

Previously, I gave “The Kite Runner” 4.5 zombie heads. That was a good story. Heartbreak, regret, redemption. This one? Meh.

It’s a brief history of modern-day Afghanistan featuring people beating the shit out of each other, either physically or emotionally. The first 80% builds the characters and relationships pretty well, even if it’s difficult (for me) to relate to them. Then, it’s as if Hosseini discovered he didn’t know what to do with them, so he rushes through the remaining 20% tying up the loose ends he’s created. There’s no “emotional reward” for the reader; it’s *bing* this happens, *bam* here’s an effortless concept, *boom* you’re done… buy my next one, too.

Skip it.

Recently Viewed Movies

Let’s Go to Prison		Vapid and hilarious in an Idiocracy kinda’ way. Great twist. Prepare to be woo-ed.
No Country for Old Men		Fuckin’ fantastic. Erin hated the ending. I loved it.
Cloverfield		Great monster flick.
Gone Baby Gone		Yeah. Didn’t see that coming. Still, though… tried too hard to be clever.
3:10 to Yuma		Erin hated the ending. I thought it was awesome. Claire’s suicidal, bi-curious boyfriend from “Six Feet Under” is such a dirt-bag in this film; he’s great.
The Simpsons Movie		Not bad, but quite preachy. I was disappointed.

Recently Read Book

The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

976 pages of 12th century England. Sound like a snorer? It’s not. Looking for historical accuracy and/or a more reliable dissertation on the political discord between the church and ruling class? Look elsewhere… this book is fictional, and makes no claim to the contrary (fucking snobby-ass Amazon nerds). I’ve never read Follett before, so I can’t make any comparisons to his other works. This one is a good read, though, and it surely doesn’t feel like it’s almost a thousand pages. I can’t say the same about Cryptonomicon, despite it being one of my absolute favorites.

Ringworm: The Venomous Grand Design

Weak band website
Myspace
Weak wikistub

I don’t know about you, but when I hear that a band plays “hardcore”, I tend to think momentary glimpses of fast, somewhat-punk-inspired greatness separated by too-long, waste-of-time breakdowns.

You know the ones… the trudgy bullshit most bands play in order to telegraph to their audience exactly when the moshpit craziness should ensue. As if their fans aren’t intelligent enough to know when to start going apeshit: “Get ready… we’re about to start playing real music… you may wish to begin considering the idea of punching your neighbor in the neck… but not yet… ready?… are you sure you’re ready?… wait for it… have we kept you in suspense long enough?… psyche!… one more bar of downtuned chugga… GO IDIOTS GO!”

Hardcore began as a natural progression–borne–from punk.

This album is bringing it back.

Sure, there are some slower portions to some of the songs, but it’s not at all difficult to relax from a 150 bpm metalpunk onslaught. To me, this release says: “Take your palm-muted, drop-D, 60 beats-per-minute and shove it up your ass.”

Recently Read Book

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks

That’s right… the zombie war… an epidemiological nightmare pandemic that spawns millions of un-dead, cannibalistic motherfuckers. How awesome is that? As it was a global catastrophe, the only way Brooks could have conjured the magnitude of it all… was exactly the way he wrote it. The unnamed, first-person narrator works for the U.N. Postwar Commission Report, and travels around the globe interviewing survivors, chronicling their memories as record.

Gregg suggested this one. I will continue to accept his recommendations as nearly bullet-proof.

Recently Read Book

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

This book was an entertaining read, and provided a well-researched, historical glimpse into circus life in the Depression era. Above all, it’s a love story… but with carnies, freaks, a masturbating midget (!) and animals.

The final pages reveal an unexpected twist, but–ultimately–a hokey denouement.

Recently Viewed Movies

Coach Carter		Hoosiers + Dangerous Minds. Based on real events… all 3… is life really this uplifting and trite?
Hustle & Flow		According to my sources, it’s hard out there for a flesh-peddler.
Slither		A film bereft of any redeeming quality. Wholly entertaining.
The Sentinel		This is nothing like the creepy 1977 film of the same title in which Ellen Griswold sports a leotard, and masturbates on a couch.
The Kingdom		Foxx (not Redd) was better as The Hard-Ass in Jarhead. This film is thin on verisimilitude (guess who has a thesaurus!), but it’s fucking brutal… even if it plays against common sense and bolsters The Average American’s islamophobia.

Catching Up: Capsule Reviews

Puddle of Mudd: Famous
Band website, Myspace, Wiki

Exactly what you would expect from this alt-rock outfit. Not as good as “Come Clean”, and I’m disappointed that the radio-friendly “schizophrenic” lyric from Psycho doesn’t actually replace “motherfucking” on the album.

Left Lane Cruiser: Gettin’ Down On It (2006) + Bring Yo’ Ass to the Table (2008)
Label’s band site, Myspace, Wiki

Dirty, gritty, Southern blues-rock featuring a ton of slide guitar. The absolutely horrible production quality only adds to the bad-ass-ness of these releases.

Enemy of the Sun: Shadows
Band website, Myspace

Wonky and weird upon primary inspection, but it gets better after listening to it multiple times. There are a lot of great hooks in these songs. Too bad they’re sometimes pushed into the background in favor of crazy math rock wanderings.

Bullet for My Valentine: Scream Aim Fire
Band website, Myspace, Wiki

Another pretty solid thrash-inspired “metalcore” offering from these guys. “Hearts Burst into Fire” is a great fuckin’ song, if you like catchy, made-for-the-radio songs… which I do from time to time.

Devian: Ninewinged Serpent
Band website, Myspace

Black death metal? Yes, please! Evil vocals in front of a twitching, writhing mass of kicks-your-ass. The tempos often approach “how fast can we play?” without ever getting there; this is a good thing. This album sounds (to me) like it was mixed perfectly. I don’t have a bad thing to say about it. If death metal’s your thing, buy this now.

Scoring Attempted Derision

cf. Stuff White People Like

Granted, I’m only 1/2 white, but I’m probably the whitest half-breed Mexican you’ll ever meet… unless you join a bowling league with my brother after he moves to Alabama.

Anyway, the above-linked website (written by a white chick) tries to be “scientific” in her snarky, holier-than-whites commentary about things that white people purportedly like.

At this point she’s listed 66 things, with 2 entries inaccessible and/or lost forever due to an ill-fated foray into dedicated hosting. This particular white person does not like other white people who are ignorant of the intricacies of running a web server attempting to do so.

Let’s see how her superior judgment stacks up:

Guilty Pleasures

Like every other human on the face of the Earth, there are a lot of things that I will admit enjoying only after Guantanamo-style torture. Waterboarding, pliers yanking fingernails from their nailbeds, railroad spike hammered through the penis.

Whatnot.

I’m not talking about secret lovings for vanilla-flavored ice cream (delicious). And I’m not talking about the obsession to murder filthy whores who are already empty inside, souls decayed, waiting for release from their fettered, hellish existences.

I’m talking about music that is not metal; you might know it as “mainstream” and/or “indie” and/or “alternative”. Regardless of the song’s tag, more times than not–if it’s not good metal, blues, harcore rap, or punk–it’s ripe for ridicule.

Then… then… then you hear some shit you just can’t get out of your head. Phenomenal songs that reside outside your comfort zone which are truly–in your spike-in-penis opinion–genuinely motherfucking awesome. You can’t help it!

I can’t help it!

“Clocks” by Coldplay
“Lazy Eye” by Silversun Pickups
“Misery Business” by Paramore
“I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! At The Disco
“Into the Ocean” by Blue October
“Face Down” by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
“Starlight” by Muse
“Fake It” by Seether
“Keep the Car Running” by Arcade Fire

Situational considerations:
“Let’s Stay Together” by Al Greene - Erin’s and my wedding dance
“Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol - Molly (Erin’s sister) & Kevin’s first dance at their wedding
“The Reason” by Hoobastank - the soundtrack to the Tampa Bay Lightning Stanley Cup video

So… reviews are pending for the new Puddle of Mudd (I blame Doug), Enemy of the Sun, Bullet for my Valentine, as well as abject gushing over Left Lane Cruiser.

Keep an eye out.

p.s. I made up that part about the whores. I really don’t feel that way about them… I’ve never even met a “professional”, as far as I know. I’m sure they’re very sweet people.

p.p.s. Well, fuck… I may as well admit to voting for Ralph Nader in 2000…