Forewarning, Foreshadowing, Pondering & Lamentation

Reviews are pending for:

Heaven Shall Burn: Iconoclast (good)
Facebreaker: Dead, Rotten and Hungry (hell yeah)
Byzantine: Oblivion Beckons (wha?)
Ill Niño: Enigma (hrm)
Meshuggah: ObZen (uh)

And yet I am considering purchase of:

Death Angel: Killing Season
Dark Fortress: Eidolon
The Sword: Gods of the Earth
Lair of the Minotaur: War Metal Battle Master

Finally, unfortunately, sadly, regrettably, I thought I’d never say this: I will not be buying the latest Danko Jones album.

It’s named “Never Too Loud”, but that title barely edged out the second-most-popular name: “What the Fuck Happened to Danko Jones?” After listening to the iTMS snippets… I will cry myself to sleep… and dream of Sugar Chocolate.

I know what you call me when my back is turned around. You call me Sugar Daddy Number One. But I like it.

(insert manly sobbing sounds here)

Rest in peace, Mango Kid.

Ringworm: The Venomous Grand Design

Weak band website
Myspace
Weak wikistub

I don’t know about you, but when I hear that a band plays “hardcore”, I tend to think momentary glimpses of fast, somewhat-punk-inspired greatness separated by too-long, waste-of-time breakdowns.

You know the ones… the trudgy bullshit most bands play in order to telegraph to their audience exactly when the moshpit craziness should ensue. As if their fans aren’t intelligent enough to know when to start going apeshit: “Get ready… we’re about to start playing real music… you may wish to begin considering the idea of punching your neighbor in the neck… but not yet… ready?… are you sure you’re ready?… wait for it… have we kept you in suspense long enough?… psyche!… one more bar of downtuned chugga… GO IDIOTS GO!”

Hardcore began as a natural progression–borne–from punk.

This album is bringing it back.

Sure, there are some slower portions to some of the songs, but it’s not at all difficult to relax from a 150 bpm metalpunk onslaught. To me, this release says: “Take your palm-muted, drop-D, 60 beats-per-minute and shove it up your ass.”

Catching Up: Capsule Reviews

Puddle of Mudd: Famous
Band website, Myspace, Wiki

Exactly what you would expect from this alt-rock outfit. Not as good as “Come Clean”, and I’m disappointed that the radio-friendly “schizophrenic” lyric from Psycho doesn’t actually replace “motherfucking” on the album.

Left Lane Cruiser: Gettin’ Down On It (2006) + Bring Yo’ Ass to the Table (2008)
Label’s band site, Myspace, Wiki

Dirty, gritty, Southern blues-rock featuring a ton of slide guitar. The absolutely horrible production quality only adds to the bad-ass-ness of these releases.

Enemy of the Sun: Shadows
Band website, Myspace

Wonky and weird upon primary inspection, but it gets better after listening to it multiple times. There are a lot of great hooks in these songs. Too bad they’re sometimes pushed into the background in favor of crazy math rock wanderings.

Bullet for My Valentine: Scream Aim Fire
Band website, Myspace, Wiki

Another pretty solid thrash-inspired “metalcore” offering from these guys. “Hearts Burst into Fire” is a great fuckin’ song, if you like catchy, made-for-the-radio songs… which I do from time to time.

Devian: Ninewinged Serpent
Band website, Myspace

Black death metal? Yes, please! Evil vocals in front of a twitching, writhing mass of kicks-your-ass. The tempos often approach “how fast can we play?” without ever getting there; this is a good thing. This album sounds (to me) like it was mixed perfectly. I don’t have a bad thing to say about it. If death metal’s your thing, buy this now.

Guilty Pleasures

Like every other human on the face of the Earth, there are a lot of things that I will admit enjoying only after Guantanamo-style torture. Waterboarding, pliers yanking fingernails from their nailbeds, railroad spike hammered through the penis.

Whatnot.

I’m not talking about secret lovings for vanilla-flavored ice cream (delicious). And I’m not talking about the obsession to murder filthy whores who are already empty inside, souls decayed, waiting for release from their fettered, hellish existences.

I’m talking about music that is not metal; you might know it as “mainstream” and/or “indie” and/or “alternative”. Regardless of the song’s tag, more times than not–if it’s not good metal, blues, harcore rap, or punk–it’s ripe for ridicule.

Then… then… then you hear some shit you just can’t get out of your head. Phenomenal songs that reside outside your comfort zone which are truly–in your spike-in-penis opinion–genuinely motherfucking awesome. You can’t help it!

I can’t help it!

“Clocks” by Coldplay
“Lazy Eye” by Silversun Pickups
“Misery Business” by Paramore
“I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! At The Disco
“Into the Ocean” by Blue October
“Face Down” by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
“Starlight” by Muse
“Fake It” by Seether
“Keep the Car Running” by Arcade Fire

Situational considerations:
“Let’s Stay Together” by Al Greene - Erin’s and my wedding dance
“Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol - Molly (Erin’s sister) & Kevin’s first dance at their wedding
“The Reason” by Hoobastank - the soundtrack to the Tampa Bay Lightning Stanley Cup video

So… reviews are pending for the new Puddle of Mudd (I blame Doug), Enemy of the Sun, Bullet for my Valentine, as well as abject gushing over Left Lane Cruiser.

Keep an eye out.

p.s. I made up that part about the whores. I really don’t feel that way about them… I’ve never even met a “professional”, as far as I know. I’m sure they’re very sweet people.

p.p.s. Well, fuck… I may as well admit to voting for Ralph Nader in 2000…

Best 10 Albums of 2007

All links go to my individual reviews.

10. Parkway Drive: Horizons
9. Coldworker: The Contaminated Void
8. Blood Red Throne: Come Death
7. Vital Remains: Icons of Evil
6. Machine Head: The Blackening

5. Skeletonwitch: Beyond the Permafrost
4. Evile: Enter the Grave
3. Clutch: From Beale Street to Oblivion
2. The Absence: Riders of the Plague

1. DevilDriver: The Last Kind Words

Evile: Enter the Grave

Band website
Myspace
Wikistub

Let’s talk about the resurgence of thrash metal for a moment here, okay? As far as I’m concerned, this revival couldn’t be better timed.

It ostensibly began with a few outfits trying to capture the energy of the late-80s megabands (e.g., Trivium wishes they were Iron Maiden). It has since transformed into bands adopting the gestalt thrash mindset, and blending it with other subgenre staples (e.g., thrash + death = Skeletonwitch), but the emphasis remains on the attributes that define thrash metal. Yet, there are other bands who jettison any concept of disguise, and outright emulate their thrash metal heroes.

Early Metallica + Testament + Slayer = Evile

The lead singer sounds almost exactly like Slayer’s Tom Araya. Flemming Rasmussen (IMHO the best producer Metallica ever used) also produced this release. Hell, even the beginning of Man Against Machine mimics Testament’s Trial by Fire from 1988.

Does this mean that Evile are patently unoriginal? Perhaps. But I put forth that it is precisely their lack of pretense coupled with their head-down, ass-kicking, pure thrash metal released 20 years after the genre’s heyday that resurrects the originality that made me love metal in the first place.

These Brits fucking rip.

Blood Red Throne: Come Death

Band website
Myspace
Wikistub

New “classic” death metal from Norway? Sure, I’ll give it a taste.

This release is rife with thrash riffs, insane European progressions and tempo changes. Throughout, it features a strikingly good bass guitar tone that too often gets pushed behind distortion on the majority of death metal tracks. The production on this release is damn-near perfect. The drum work is organic and terrifying, and the bass player is sick.

Some parts of the album descend into “play as fast as possible” mode with a side salad of “actual sense of tempo be damned, blast-beat the fuck out of it”. Some death metal fans will love that shit… but I’m not one of ‘em. So you can play really fast? Big fuckin’ deal.

Deranged Assassin is simply vicious. The bridge in No New Beginning is like nothing I’ve ever heard. Apparently, Disincarnated is a Gorguts cover… but who–except someone who’s actually heard of Gorguts–would know that? Another Kill is one hell of a closer.

If you like death metal, even peripherally, don’t pass this up. It’s fuckin’ ruthless.

Machinemade God: Masked

Band website
Myspace
Wikitubes

Is German metalcore on par with American metalcore? If this release is any indication, the answer is a resounding “No”. As metalcore offerings dwindled in 2007, so did my desire to listen to them. Is this Machinemade God’s fault? Absolutely not! Well… it’s not theirs alone, but we–as customers–need to send a message: It’s time to retire that rusty cookie-cutter, guys.

There are definitely some funky grooves thrown out from the midst of mediocrity, but nothing on this album makes me want to listen to it ever again.

I already own the last 3 Killswitch Engage albums… why would I want to hear a cheap knock-off?

Bloodsimple: Red Harvest

Band website
Myspace
Wikitubes
Previously

The bloodlust begins? Really? Did I miss the bloodlust memo?

The album’s first song intros with one verse of the Doors’ “The End” to open it all up in fine fashion. Yup, it’s that one part that screams, “FUCK YOU!” Nice work, gentlemen.

Overall, this release features slower-walking grooves, a ton of blues-inspired riffs done metal, and a lot of formulaic bullshit (they ran out of ideas). But, it’s all pulled off… kinda’ OK… despite the obvious lack of inspiration.

The song “Suck it Up” (#6) is bad-ass, but listening to “Dark Helmet” (#3) is like being fed into a fucking grain thresher; it’s the best song on the album… and the “holy fuck” part happens… right around… the break. Shut the fuck up. MURDERRRR!

Track 3 alone is enough to get this band one more point than I gave ‘em in 2005.

p.s. Expedited reviews of Blood Red Throne (good), Machinemade God (ouch), and Evile (wow) will follow our holiday trip… after which I will assemble my best-of-2007 list.

Best Anthrax Song of All Time

So I’m ironing Erin’s pants for tomorrow, and I spin up some “Attack of the Killer B’s” iTunes-style on the ol’ iLamp. If you know me, then you know this shit fucking slays.

–
N.F.B. (Dallabnikufesin)
–
We fell in love at first sight.
I can’t explain the feelings,
when I first saw you.

We were so, so happy.
A lifetime of love sweet honey child;
you’ll always be mine.

But then I played the fool.
I never meant to hurt you,
or sleep with all your friends.

Oooooh.

We reconciled; we found ourselves.
Our love was meant to be.
Oh, baby can’t you see?

Oh oh oh oh oh.

You left me standing in the mud,
crying to myself,
a heart so full of pain!

But we fell in love again,
this time forever.
True love prevails over all.

She got hit by a truck.

–

Joey. Joey, get me some tissue.